|C/O Hyperbole and a Half|
Luckily, I spent six years of my professional life in land-locked Tallahassee, FL. I come bearing gifts of fashion advice. Not that I’m fashionable (I actually don’t think I would have agreed to enter the working world if wide-leg trousers hadn’t started selling—RIP my favorite pair of JNCOS 1998-2003), but having lived through entire summers of unbearable heat I do know how to dress for work in an outfit that feels like you’re wearing nothing; which, of course, should be your objective when it’s, as my fiancée so eloquently puts it, “hot as balls outside.”
Here’s a few tips you can hopefully use, if not for your own sake but for mine, because I’m tired of looking at people and feeling sympathy itching.
|“Now the kilt was only for day to day wear. In battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.”|
3. Powder makeup: Powder-based makeup is all you should dare to wear in 90-100 degree weather. True story, an ex of mine wanted to take me on a walk around his childhood neighborhood on a day I had a job interview. I had to go sit in the car after a half-hour because the foundational make-up I had on created a seal on my face. It felt like a mask, in the very literal sense of the word. To this day, I feel itchy when I see someone with cake make-up. So yeah. Powder make up is where it’s at.
|Behold: all the fucks I give.|
5. Don’t wear perfume: Okay, so you’re not gonna smell all that great either. Make sure you lather on some fresh-smelling deodorant (but NOT the medical strength stuff—imagine #3 but with your armpits, which ARE MADE to regulate your body temperature through sweat. After one day using that I felt like I was suffocating). BUT: resist the urge to spray on perfume. You’ll thank yourself when you’re walking downtown or you're hanging out at the brewery or whatever normal people do and the bees leave you alone (because I promise you, they WILL find you EXTREMELY interesting—as well a gnats, flies, wasps, and other awesome irritants) if you smell like candy. I use Bath and Body Works Rice Flower & Shea Butter, and they still love me. I can’t fathom what would happen if I used one of those jolly rancher smelling Victoria’s Secret scents.
These are just a few of the tricks I picked up. Of course, they are mostly applicable to women, because they all come from my personal experience. Any others? Any guy-specific advice? Anything I’m missing, my Southern friends? Let me know!